MY STORY

I have been on a journey my whole life. I've been trying to become a better, kinder, sweeter, more patient, less grumpy, less controlling and more loving person. There have been times when I’ve thought, "I've got this. All I need to do is xyz and I will eventually become that person I long to be." I kept waiting for that to happen. Around forty, I decided that I couldn't take ME any longer. I began reading books on Buddhist practices, and began to adopt many of them into my daily life. This would be the beginning of healing my very wounded heart—I just didn't know it at the time. Then, the year that I turned fifty, my internal fire was stoked by the universe and a radical shift began to take place within me. 

Ultimately, I had a deep heart opening, and in its new condition I have found a much deeper capacity to experience all the feelings and emotions that this life has to offer me. I am so grateful for the individual teachers that have provided me with the critical tools that have assisted me on this journey.

I have learned that my fears are actually great windows of opportunity to know myself more intimately. I have a deep understanding that much of what I am afraid of is allowing myself to feel the painful memories and emotions of my past.

I also know that much of what I fear has to do with deeply held beliefs that I was not even conscious that I held until I got quiet enough to listen to myself.

Here, I heard the whispering stories that I had told myself over and over: that I was unworthy and unlovable. I began to see these thought patterns as fish in my mind that swam around, trying to catch my attention as frequently as possible. Over time, I have learned to simply watch these fish. I do not dangle my hook in front of them but, rather, patiently observe them as they swim through my consciousness, and eventually dissolve into the pool of my greater wellbeing.

I feel as though I have received an amazing gift of freedom. Fear and anxiety are much smaller figures on the stage of the life I live. I not only saw but felt the deep shame that I had stored within my body for many years unconsciously. With practice and guidance and gentle awareness, that shame has literally evaporated from my body. I still know shame, but it is no longer an anchor that weighs me down and prevents me from being my authentic self.

I have also met the little girl within me that felt unloved and unlovable.  Healing this deep wound has taken time and a daily practice of loving myself—the good the bad and the ugly me. As I have truly, physically loved these abandoned parts of myself, I have begun to have a new feeling of wholeness and, at the same time, spaciousness.

I feel a deep sense of empathy and compassion for those who experience stress, depression and anxiety.  I lived on that wheel for many years and am so grateful to have discovered a path that can, over time, dissolve these conditions. 

What I hope to share is the possibility that anyone one can experience this deep sense of peace that rests as the foundation from which all else occurs.    

Learn more about tools that have helped me on this path in my newsletter.