Tonglen

When I was in my late thirties, I felt frustrated that with all the therapy I'd had, I was still struggling with anxiety and a fair amount of underlying stress. I understood and accepted that my parents had done the best job they could have done when raising me given that they too had very difficult childhoods. I decided that I did not want regret or remorse to haunt me by thinking I should have done things differently when my parents were no longer around. 

I began fostering relationships with each of them where I tried to accept my parents for the people that they were not the ones that I wanted them to have been. Sure, I was still triggered by the things that they said or did or didn't do. This new perspective meant that I tried not to actively react to their behavior. I would still feel emotions within me but I would talk myself out of doing or saying something because of them that I would regret later. 

I also tried to use this same philosophy with others around me who triggered me as well (my immediate family, close friends and people who I hardly knew). Although these strategies provided me with some relief when dealing with others on a daily basis, I still couldn't control how these emotions affected me physically. I frequently got stomach aches before talking to someone who I was having a conflict with, I struggled with feelings of doubt and guilt. And to top it off, I had difficulty sleeping through the night. 

I woke up most nights around 2 am with an adrenaline rush and in a deep sweat. Then, my brain would go into a deep dark dive of self loathing. Sometimes, I would be up for 1-2 hours. Many times, I felt overwhelmed and without an idea as to how to stop the negative rant inside my brain. This went on for 4 or 5 years! I almost feared sleep because I knew that there was a good chance that the next morning I would wake up exhausted and have a strange sensation of unhappiness. It was as though a fog of heaviness had crept in through the night and landed just above me. Fortunately it would mysteriously lift after an hour or two and I would feel better.

One day while at a book store, I found and began reading a buddhist book, Buddha Is As Buddha Does by Lama Surya Das. I began to see that I wanted to experience a less agitated mind. The insights were speaking to me and I seemed to hunger for them on a daily basis. I carried the book in my purse and read a page or two every chance I got.  I began buying buddhist philosophy books regularly. One author, Pema Chodron really  resonated with me. The titles seemed so appropriate Start Where You Are, The Wisdom of No Escape, The Places that Scare You.  Each book seemed to provide me with greater and greater clarity as to why I felt unhappy inside. 

Reading these books provided me with a greater mental understanding of my predicament but not be until I began truly practicing the tools that were offered did things begin to change. I also began listening to a meditation tape by Pema Chodren.  I would sit in the car before picking up my kids at school and try to do a 10 minute meditation.  I figured that although I was not really good at this practice, if I kept at it maybe one day I would get the hang of it.

I decided to seriously practice one of the exercises she described called Tonglen(a meditation that nurishes compassion within us). The practice asks that you envision someone who you perceive as struggling or with whom you are having difficulty. Then imagine with a deep inbreathe that you are sucking out their dark toxic elements and with a deep out breath filling them with pure loving energy.
For several years, I had been internally struggling with one of my former in-laws for quite a while. I had a great deal of anger, hurt and feelings of betrayal towards them seeded deep within me.  Whenever I thought of them, I began an inner dialogue where I told them all the things that they were doing wrong and how much harm they were inflicting on those around them. I would get incredibly agitated during this process. By the end of of this internal imaginary conversation, I felt extremely frustrated and angry. 

I decided that would this person be the first recipient of my Tonglen practice.  At first I had difficulty justifying why I would want to send them of all people, loving energy.  What I told myself was that if they received my love perhaps they would become more loving and in return treat those closest to them with greater compassion.  Every night before I went sleep, I visualized them in my mind.  I then practiced this deep inbreathe while imaging their negative energy leaving their body as black smoke. Then, I would have a deep outbreathe and imagine sending loving energy.  I envisioned it as white translucent wind seeping through their pours. I practiced this exercise for several months every single night before I went to sleep.

After about two months of this practice, I noticed two very odd shifts. First, I noticed that I was sleeping far better through the night with fewer middle of the night adrenaline wake ups. Secondly, but equally amazing, I noticed one day that when I thought of that person I felt no bitter feelings or agitation within me. It was as though someone had secretly removed this thorn from my within heart and there was no longer anymore physical pain when I thought of them. The story line of what they SHOULD be doing also dropped as I focused on wanting the best for them.  I no longer desired to include my judgement whenever they were thought of or discussed. I am not sure what effect my Tonglen practice had on this person. But, I now see them as a person who suffers from  unhealed wounds from their past. 

This was one of the first validations that I experienced that demonstrated the power of this meditation practice. I would use Tonglen after that regularly before I went to sleep towards many different individuals who seemed to be suffering whether I was having difficulty with them or not. The strange thing was that as I imagined one person in need of loving energy another troubling person would show up in my mind and show me too what they were lacking and that they too would benefit from me practicing Tonglen towards them. 

 The strangest thing of all was the profound impact that it had on my system. I found it far easier to be present with the difficult emotions and feelings within my body that I experienced when I knew another was really struggling. Overtime, I found that this capacity to be present and allow both unpleasant even painful feelings as well as deep loving feelings that are simultaneously within me mingle and unite is the secret recipe for true peace.

Below is the link to Pema Chodreunder Meditations.n's Tonglen Meditation exercise.  You can find it at my website under meditations at https://www.christinagiammalva.com/meditations/