ITALY: Is it the Water or What?
When I turned 40, my family and I took a trip to Italy for a vacation. We took our three children who were 13, 9 and 5 at the time, my husband’s sister and her two children and my husband’s parents. Although I was no longer working at my job, I was a full time mother and had filled my life with many other expectations and attachments that made life feel almost as fast and as chaotic as when I worked. So, this trip was a very exciting diversion from my regular life.
We rented a farm house in the countryside surrounded by wine vineyards in Tuscany. Here there were no drop offs or pick ups, no play dates, no soccer games, no schedule and no perceived obligations or expectations. I had studied Italian while in high school and in college so I could communicate fairly well with the local people. This gift allowed me to truly connect with them weather it was at the grocery store or in a cafe.
I began to experience a new found excitement everyday as we explored different aspects of the Tuscan landscape. Was what we did unusual? I think not. However, by the end of the trip I felt this sense of spaciousness within that I had never felt before. I remember telling my husband the only way I would return home was if he promised we could return again soon. Something happened to me while I was in Italy that I could not explain.
What I noticed when I came home was that the spaciousness continued for a few months after I returned. I felt more detached from the previous thought patterns that had run my life. This mental transformation lasted for about three months and then as the start of my children’s school and the increase of commitments and obligations and expectations began to manifest, the spaciousness evaporated and a dry hollow anxious feeling returned.
By ThanksGiving, the old, more agitated, quick to react, and get triggered “me" was in full bloom and she would stay that way for the rest of the year. I began to crave the trip to Italy and wondered what magical element was manifesting there that did not exist in my home or community. We ended up going back to Italy over the next 7 years. Every time we returned, I would magically benefit from that same spacious feeling - where I did not feel hurried or rushed- and an underlying sense of joy pervaded me most of the time. It was as though a buffer zone was established and I had far greater capacity to deal with challenging situations. Yes, I still got angry, and I still had anxiety but during the trip and for the next few months after the trip, something within my brain felt different. I felt as though I had greater capacity to handle whatever life was presenting at the time.
I remember sharing my experience with a friend who went on meditation retreats regularly. She believed the experience I was describing was similar to her experience while attending meditation retreats. I was skeptical that my experience on a vacation was the same as hers on a mindfulness retreat. At the time, I could not see that what I was experiencing was the same thing that I had read about so often in my mindfulness books. I now believe that in fact my friend and I were experiencing the same phenomena. We were were experiencing the byproduct of what it feels like when we are present to the moment and not distracted by our thoughts.
What I experienced in Italy, I so wished would not leave me. I was puzzled both by why the state arrived and equally why it departed. The greatest gift of all was the noticeable shift I felt when I returned home. The spaciousness provided me with a greater sense of clarity, giving me the capacity to step back from my own experience and modify my actions. As a result, I was able to operate in my life more consciously.
I remember after the first trip, my absolute need to both pick up and drive other people’s children to and from playdates at our house was no longer guiding or even influencing the choice of my children’s plans. Previously, I would tell myself many reasons why I SHOULD do the driving both ways. I had a babysitter (it didn’t matter that the other family might have a babysitter). We lived farther away from the school than most other families. I told myself that the drive didn't bother me as much as it seemed to other parents. I did not realize at the time that these reasons were actually thoughts that were generated by my fears and had kept me trapped.
When I returned from Italy the first time, I was able to look at the true underlying belief that held me captive- I was afraid that the parents wouldn't let their child come over if I didn’t do all the driving. My children would be without friends. A fear of rejection and abandonment was the root cause of my behavior. I was ultimately scared to find out the truth.
I recall the first time I told a parent that I would only drive one way - they were used to me doing both so there was resistance at first. I hung in there with myself. I told myself that I could live with it if they chose not to have the playdate. The parent consented to pick their child up. I had begun chipping away at the very large fake marble belief that if I asked for something from someone else, I or my children would be abandoned or rejected.
Italy was this magical creator of mind spaciousness that provided me with an ever growing perspective that my experience could be different. This new found spaciousness allowed me to see my false beliefs and face the the fear that was behind them.
Looking back I now know that my trips to Italy broke the cycle of fear based auto-pilot that ran my system. Finding this sense of spaciousness or calm can seem illusive and random. What I discovered was that it has been within me all the time. Creating opportunities for ourselves where we allow ourselves the freedom to directly experience the moment can be the window that opens us to a new way of experiencing what is present. With greater capacity and window of tolerance, we can grow the willingness to first see the belief then to question its validity and finally to act upon the insight that the belief is not true. Here we can let go of it and then it can let go of us.
Resources:
Are you curious to try the process as well. Check out Byron Katie http://thework.com/en. Truly the magic is in our willingness to question our beliefs and see them for what they are beliefs not facts.