I had been working for 9 years in Harlem at a public school that I  started with two other teachers in 1991. I also had two small children, one 6 years old and one 2. I was responsible for raising 2 million dollars a year for the non-profit attached to the school. The school came out of a deep desire to meet the educational needs of under served students.  It was getting great attention for its academic success and innovative approach. As a result, I had the opportunity to speak at a variety of educational conferences.

On a trip out to San Fransisco to speak at a conference, I read The Alchemist by Paulo Cholelo.  With two small children and a full time job, I was very excited to have the time and opportunity to read it. I read the entire book on that flight and when I got off the plane I had a deep knowing that I wanted another child. I also knew that I could not do that and meet the needs of my organization at the same time. 

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When I was in my late thirties, I felt frustrated that with all the therapy I'd had, I was still struggling with anxiety and a fair amount of underlying stress. I understood and accepted that my parents had done the best job they could have done when raising me given that they too had very difficult childhoods. I decided that I did not want regret or remorse to haunt me by thinking I should have done things differently when my parents were no longer around. 

I began fostering relationships with each of them where I tried to accept my parents for the people that they were not the ones that I wanted them to have been. Sure, I was still triggered by the things that they said or did or didn't do. This new perspective meant that I tried not to actively react to their behavior. I would still feel emotions within me but I would talk myself out of doing or saying something because of them that I would regret later. 

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I began to read a a great deal on Buddhism in my thirties.  I was searching for tools  such as meditation, compassion, and forgiveness practices to reduce the underlying fear, manifesting most frequently as doubt and anxiety, that seemed to be subtly buzzing beneath my daily interactions. I had been reading Pema Chodren’s books for several years and had found many of her insights and practices useful. So,I was grateful that I had already adopted some of the tools she had written about when my mother was diagnosed with ALS in 2009. 

 

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    My childhood was interesting in that I lived in two very different places and had two very different experiences in each location, after my parent’s divorce at the age of 5, I moved to Hailey Idaho with my mother brother and sister. Meanwhile my father stayed in New York city.  From an early age, I can remember having this odd feeling of not fitting in.  It was as if I was in slow motion swimming in jello while everyone else was cruising along at warp speed knowing exactly where they were heading.  Socializing was difficult for me as I felt like everyone had the lines to a play and I didn't have the same script.  I spent a great deal of time alone wondering what was life really meant to be about.  I would struggle with this sense of exclusion for many years to come.

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