JEALOUSY
Every summer my husband’s family from Texas comes and visits us for a few weeks. Several years ago, my niece who was then in her mid twenties was bringing her 10 month old baby on the family trip.
That summer, I was already a roiling pot of emotions. It seemed that a brew of events out of my control were bubbling over. As a result, I was feeling quite dysregulated. Just a few of the issues that seemed to be causing the the inner turmoil were that my middle daughter was going off to college for the first time, I was going to be turning 50 years old and one of my close friends had recently separated from her husband of 20 years. That entire year I seemed to be pricked and agitated by the subtlest of things.
This was the first grandchild for my in-laws. They were over the top with pride and joy for this absolutely adorable baby. However, the attention and focus that my husband’s family showered upon this beautiful little baby evoked unsettling feelings deep inside me. I tried to both suppress and escape these unpleasant sensations by leaving the room when I felt overwhelmed. Unfortunately, the feelings seemed to saturate my being and escaping was not an option.
I remember one day I seemed exceptionally annoyed with the situation. When I tried to be friendly all I noticed was that I was not receiving enough recognition for my efforts. I knew that these feelings were internal wounds and not caused by the external situation. I was so ashamed that I was having them and couldn’t stand it any longer. I decided to allow myself to feel into what these feelings were and see what was causing such havoc within me…. JEALOUSY! I envied all the attention, adoration and love that this little creature was receiving. I was ashamed that I was experiencing jealousy. The feeling had engulfed me and I was drowning in them.
I decided that I would take a huge risk and admit to my husband this terribly embarrassing emotion that I was suffering from. I went up to our room and began to share with him my feelings of jealousy towards my niece’s baby because of all the attention she was receiving. I was terrified that he would tell me that I was ridiculous and childish. So it was such an incredible experience to have my husband recognize and acknowledge that it would make sense that I had these feelings inside me based on my own childhood experiences. His understanding of why I was experiencing these painful and embarrassing feelings allowed me to accept them as well.
There was a profound shift of emotion within me that manifested over the next few days. It was as if the jealousy was slowly being drained from my system and this feeling of acceptance and warmth began to fill me.
A few days later I was biking alone when an insight came to me : I thought; Everyone loves my niece and her baby so much. Then I asked myself, Am I loved like that? A resounding YES filled me. I loved me. I felt love all throughout me.
Identifying these strange uncomfortable sensations within me and allowing them their space was new and terribly scary for me. I had been so afraid that these old haunting feelings would take me over and I would not be able to escape them. Little did I know that actually embracing these felt body sensations and emotions would be the magic elixir.
I realized that day that the feelings of jealousy hid deeper feelings of unworthiness. Being honest with myself was frightening as I wasn’t sure I could handle my own reaction. I now understand that my system had used jealousy of others as a way for me to avoid feeling my own deep sense of unworthiness. So long as I blamed others for these feelings, I escaped the pain of earlier wounds of unworthiness that I had suffered from in my childhood.
Now I take full responsibility for all my feelings and emotions and in doing so I am able to heal and digest these painful wounds. This has been my path to freedom. No longer am I a prisoner of old unwanted beliefs and emotions that used to control my over all well being.
It takes courage and honesty with ourselves to allow these emotions to surface. Ultimately, we must befriend the least attractive parts of ourselves and allow them their space within or else those same emotions will sabotage our feelings of wellbeing, love and peace.