WHO AM I IF I AM NOT NEEDED?

I grew up in an environment where I felt unseen. It appeared to me that what I did as a child did not seem to merit recognition, attention, praise or love from my parents and those around me. This is not about blame.  My parents were very young when they got married and by the time they were 25 they had three children under the age of 4. They were divorced by the time they were 30.  I believe that my parents suffered from neglect as well and were struggling to deal with their own feelings of unworthiness. 

However, their deficits took a toll on the three children who could not understand their behavior. At the time, I didn’t understand I was experiencing emotional neglect nor did I understand that I began to develop coping mechanisms to deal with these feelings of inadequacy.  

I unconsciously developed these coping mechanisms as a young child as a means of  dealing with these undesirable feelings and sensations in my body. Eventually these coping strategies became automatic conditioned responses that would get activated when I was triggered. The feelings of being unwanted were so painful to my system that I worked extremely hard to make myself indispensable by constantly trying to meet other’s needs. I became a warrior of helping others.  

I discovered perfect roles where I would feel needed first through my work then in motherhood. I perceived myself to be a very nurturing parent who attempted to meet ALL of my children’s needs- the opposite of my childhood experience. For instance, I could not bear the pain of my children crying.  It felt like a piercing sword lancing my heart with each wail.  I needed to run not walk each time they cried out. This was an exhausting job and one that eventually took me to the brink of collapse. Although, I had disconnected from the need to be indispensable at work, I had only transferred it to my family.  As with work, I began to feel overwhelmed and depressed by my constant need to feel needed.  

My oldest daughter got the biggest dose of this entanglement as I fed into the belief that she needed me and would not be ok without me. I remember an instance when this entanglement played out on the first morning of kindergarten. My daughter and I were standing in front of her classroom and she was a bit teary eyed. I was attempting to console her when her teacher appeared outside the door. She was a large assertive woman who had an intimidating reputation. She came over and firmly took my daughter’s arm and began taking her away while telling me that she would be fine. I had my daughter’s other hand and I began pulling on it and said without even thinking,  “Yes, but I won’t be.”  

At the time, I believed that I was protecting my daughter from the harsh approach of this teacher. Only years later did I realize that I was thwarting my daughter’s ability to establish her own autonomy and find those internal skills within herself that help us self regulate and cope effectively with fear. I worried constantly about her wellbeing and safety and as a result instilled a fear in her that she needed me to be ok.  However, at the time I couldn’t see any of this and all I experienced was this deep feeling of incompetency and desperation. 

I got to a point where I was so depleted and exhausted that I could not function.  I remember waking up one morning consumed with guilt that I had failed my daughter. My husband very lovingly tried to help me see a balanced perspective that I had been a strong advocate for her and there was no need to blame myself.  I felt hollow and depressed and decided that I did not know how to end this cycle of inter dependence so I sought professional help.  

I can remember sharing with the therapist that my daughter and I had a co-dependent relationship. She then told me not to worry that she thought she could help. I was relieved. She told me the good news was that I was a large part of the problem and once we addressed my issues much of my daughter’s would subside.  I remember I was shocked by this - WOW, my actions were what fueled the dynamic fixing me was the solution!?!!

After a few initial meetings, we got into the deep beliefs that I held about parenting. “I needed to be needed.”  I remember at this one session having a complete panic attack as I blurted out “Who would I be if I weren’t needed?” Then the most surreal experience happened to me. I felt as though I was in space. It was black and I was falling through space and there was nowhere to land.  It was as though I had gone into myself and watched me falling through the abyss. 

I had evoked one of my greatest fears.  Who would I be if I weren't needed? Nothing? Nobody? I remember shouting it out loud as heat emanated off my body and I felt very unstable.  I woke up from that moment and looked at the therapist. She was smiling like I had just had a breakthrough. I, on the other hand, felt like I had just experienced a simulation of death. 

 I didn’t yet realize that I was seeing one of my coping strategies and confronting it. I wasn’t able to answer the question that day. I did not understand that in truth, I would still be here and I would be ok. At the time, I was still too influenced by the feelings of being unwanted that I couldn’t connect that my actions of always trying to fix things had been my coping strategy for avoiding those body sensations when I felt unwanted.  

I drove around after that session and saw that I lived life like I was a character in a play. When one of my children needed me, I went on stage and became alive and when I wasn’t needed it was as though I was in suspended animation waiting off stage for the next time I would be called upon. Seeing this in myself helped me begin to realize how attached I had become to other’s needs as a means to define myself. If one’s coping strategies are like a choker around one’s neck, mine got a bit looser. 

I did not yet understand how these unhealthy strategies were actually affecting my sense of peace even as I clung a little less tightly to the notion of being needed. This process of “letting go” has taken time as I have allowed myself to face the causes of my need to create coping mechanisms. What I now understand is that there is a part of me that has been afraid to be “me” without these coping strategies. I have discovered that the freedom is actually in allowing myself to feel “not being needed or unwanted.” I now operate more out of an authentic desire from within instead of a compulsion to avoid painful feelings like “unworthiness” or “not enough” inside my body.

I invite you too to ask yourself what coping strategies have you adopted to avoid feeling these old wounds. Do you have a need to be smart? caring? athletic? successful? wealthy? healthy? beautiful? thin? to name a few.  It is through this inquiry that we uncover these “pain bodies” hiding within our system. Ask yourself  “who would you be with out that coping strategy?” Then, see what it feels like in your body when you sit with the question.  As always, feel free to share your experience or insight with me at giammalvacf@gmail.com.