THE BOOK OF SHOULD

I didn’t use to notice how often I said “should” about my own actions or the actions of others. I frequently commented on what they really should be doing!!! The unfortunate thing about should was that it acted like a commander in my head, constantly judging my actions and the actions of those around me. This word should was more than an opinion because there was emotion that came with NOT doing what I should do.  If I or others didn’t adhere to the should directive then I felt disappointment, regret, irritation, shame or frustration. 

 A few years back, I began to pay attention to how often I would say should. All the judging  shoulds in my head had become so painful that I began to stop blaming the outside world and started looking for the culprit within. I noticed that I said and thought should hundreds of times a day. It was like the plague and I had a bad case of it.  Everywhere I went should would accompany me.  The worst shoulds were the ones that came after the fact: what I should have done but didn’t do or what I shouldn’t have done but did do!  For example, if my family was going to town and I chose to stay behind and do my own thing, I would later regret not having gone and tell myself, You should’ve gone! See what you missed!”

I began to think about this word and the activity that it demanded.  I noticed that my should often did not match or mirror other’s shoulds  and quite often my should was in direct opposition to their should. When this occurred I would have a great deal of angst and stress wondering which should should I listen to?  What I began to realize was that each individual had their own book of should written by themselves, probably highly influenced by their family, culture, gender and age.  However, these books of should are hidden in the minds of each individual author.  Although it was only accessible to them, they frequently quoted from their mentally constructed book of should and often assumed that everyone else had the same copy or SHOULD have it!

A simple example of this internal conflict was my passion for dancing. I love to dance and feel completely in unison with the music.  There is a fantastic sensation I experience when I completely let go to the rhythm and allow my body to move as it so desires.  The only problem was the voice in my head that that told me that I shouldn’t dance like that in front of others. There was an internal judgement that how I was dancing was inappropriate.  I also thought that other people thought I shouldn’t dance the way I did. I sometimes received looks or comments like, “Wow, you really let it all hang out when you dance!” These experiences of perceived judgement by others influenced my sense of freedom to act in accordance with what felt right to me.

There were also instances while raising my children where what I thought I should do was in direct conflict with what I wanted to do.  In these instances I often overrode my want and heeded the call of should.  Unfortunately, there was a payback for not listening to my inner authentic desire. When I didn’t listen to it, a feeling of exhaustion and depression would follow.  On the other hand, when I did listen to the authentic voice claiming its true desire, tremendous inner conflict would arise as a battle between should and authenticity was about to ensue.  Often a feeling of shame would follow if I heeded my true desire instead of the should. 

Should didn’t just hold me hostage, it held all those around me hostage too.  I had an expectation that we all had to follow these directives of should or else great disappointment and shame would follow. Something as simple as not accepting my daughter’s choice of outfit as she went out to be with friends or how much time she should study for a given exam would have me quoting from my book of should.  I would experience a feeling of urgency that she follow my directive out of fear that the consequences of her actions would be unbearable. Fortunately, she was strongwilled and would often challenge the validity of my shoulds. I began to observe every time should either drove a thought or came out of my mouth.  I began questioning the beliefs that were underneath my should—were they true and what if the opposite belief could be true too?  For example, was I a bad mom if I didn’t make dinner on a given night or if I didn’t drive my daughter to school in the morning?  This simple act of questioning my belief created a wedge between it and the action.  This momentary space diminished the fear of being wrong that had been influencing my choices. Questioning beliefs allowed me to question my adherence to the shoulds.

I became aware that the belief came first and then the expectation of the action followed. I started to see the invisible correlation between how I judged the world - what was right and wrong, good and bad, fun and not fun, important and not important, beautiful and not beautiful, worthwhile and not worthwhile and so on……..and how these perspectives created my book of “shoulds.”  

The real magic began to happen as I stopped making choices from autopilot and started choosing at each and every moment. Don’t get me wrong, entering the risky business of questioning the fabric of thoughts that had held my world in place was very scary at first. My dear, long held beliefs felt very safe and had created a false sense of security and control that I had become dependent on.  It was as though the tiny pinhole I saw life from grew to this wide angle lens of options.  I felt much greater freedom and actually began enjoying choosing what to do. I had let should too often dominate choices in my life.  Unfortunately, at the same time, should had taken the creativity and fun out of my daily life. I was finally allowing myself to put joy back in. 

I catch myself now and then when I hear myself say should and smile within and then rephrase the statement to allow for curiosity and creativity to blossom and flourish.  I have also noticed that others around me seem more relaxed and comfortable as they choose their next move without having to worry about what I believe they should be doing.